Why do I feel like a failure?

I love my children more than life itself yet for some reason I feel like I'm failing as a mother. I work full time to provide the best I can for my children while Mr.L looks after them. If I'm not physically working then I work at home whether that be cleaning the house, paperwork, coursework or even cooking. Even on my weekends I be doing work and yet I feel this is where I'm failing as I'm not spending time with Kels or Kai.

I have thought about giving up work so I can be more consistent in their lives but that is not a possibility - I love my work and we need the income, besides I'm building up my career. Yet part of me wishes I could just switch off and be their for my children. Such a difficult decision to make when you have children. Deciding whether to work or not. Perhaps if we win the lottery I can take some time off eh?? But until now I think my main focus is to switch up once work is finished and be the mum they need.

I'm not in anyway applying that I'm not being their mum when I am around them because I am just apart of me feels I should be their more.

#Update: When I wrote this I was feeling just that a failure but after taking time to reflect I realize I'm not as I am trying to do the best for my children and if that means working hard to achieve what I want to then so be it.

Our day at the Safari

Just passed a bank holiday and as I had a day off work (yay to bank holidays) I wanted to treat Kels & Kai to a day out.
As a family we love our day outs especially those that involves going to see some animals. Every year without fail we have visited a zoo or farm, I have no idea why but it just happened that way.

I will admit that going to a safari park on one of the hottest days so far this year was not fun. Having your car windows up, sitting in the same seat without stretching your legs for a while is not good. Perhaps next time we will go to a zoo or visit on a cooler day. Nevertheless both the children had fun and I enjoyed looking at all the animals even if a lemur nearly jumped on me.
Seriously it was not good. Walking through an encounter where monkeys and lemurs are free roaming turned into me being a nervous work when I saw them climb on others, so I ran pass this 'crew' of monkeys only to have a lemur jump to the other barrier in front of me. Yes I held breathe, and yes I almost screamed. Wouldn't you?
Anyways here is some photos of our day.

 Kai looking for animals.

 Kels with her nana and a friend she made.

 Stunning view.

 Obviously I'm the photographer behind this photo. Was going to have a family one of the four of us but it was just too hot and after spending the time in the car most of the day Kai was getting a little grumpy. Here's to next time for a family photo.

No show relatives.

Not gonna lie but while typing this I am slightly annoyed so I may ramble on loads. Ok?
All the invites sent, guest list sorted and you think that everyone who has RSVP is coming? After all that's why people RSVP in the first place but oh no you could be wrong.

The morning of my wedding day I was a typical "social media" bride. Instagramming, tweeting & on Facebook while getting ready to walk down the aisle. A message popped up on Facebook from a relative telling me her mum, dad and she weren't coming to my wedding - they were invited to the whole day - all because my aunt had nothing to wear. But who cares? As long as your their is all that matters but they didn't see it that way.

The rest of my family were annoyed but the day continued without a hitch a we all celebrated into the evening. What annoyed us most is that they attended another relatives wedding 2 months before mine who lived in the same area as me. All forgotten about.

Fast forward a year and they then attend another relatives wedding who lives in the area we use to causing me to be slightly upset and annoyed that my wedding was the one they missed (yet the best) but you know what the people that came to my wedding mattered and as they didn't turn up they obviously don't.
I'm just looking forward to the next however many years with my husband and children as a family.

So if you are planning a big celebration which involves people giving you a RSVP then make sure they will be attending perhaps triple check.

21 months

21 months have passed since my little baby boy Kai entered the world. It's been 21 months since our family of three became a family four and in those 21 months our lives got crazier.

Kai has grown into such a little character the past few months and although he is yet to say any word other than "ma" his personality shines through. On the odd a occasion though he will throw a tantrum if he decides to, usually when he gets told no or he don't get his way - terrible twos started early? I think so.

His now walking which is really good. I started in January when he was 17 months - I know bad blogger for not letting you know - and now you can't stop him. He climbs pretty much everything apart from his cot (soon to be bed).
His started an obsession with Thomas The Tank Engine and very shortly we will be visiting Thomas land especially for him. I am looking forward to seeing his face and capturing that moment. So my DSLR will be making the journey with us.

He still sleeps with us on the odd occasion but has got better in sleeping at night, I mean now we can actually eat our dinner and watch a bit of tele. Result.

His such a boisterous little fella but at the same time he is so loving. He loves his cuddles and kisses. Most importantly climbing all over mummy when I comes in from work.

Kisses with mummy after work are the best.

Beebies Baby Store

As a parent you always end up looking at buying new things. From clothes and toys to shoes and furniture. You have all the big name stores that are basically 'in your face' wherever you look but as its competition in the end it tends to be the same thing.

Now if you are anything like me then you'll be excited about this. I love anything crafty or handmade. I'm a secret crafts, vintage and homely type of girl (shh.. don't tell anyone) so when I discovered this online 'boutique' I was thrilled all of the products makes me go "ooh I want that", "omg I love that" - and you're probably trying to imagine me saying that right now eh?? and no their is no essex to it!!

Beebies Baby Store is a pretty new run business by a wonderful lady named Ami. The website is easy to navigate around with subheadings from Maternity, nursery, feeding, gifts and many more. Its not OTT like some websites can be and is nice and simple which I find appealing and I'm sure lots of you will.
I love how they have a lovely selection of hampers for those expectant parents - handy if you're going to a baby shower. When I was pregnant with Kai I tried my damn hardest to find a leopard print changing bag, did I succeed - no!! But Ami's website supplies them and I am gutted I didn't discover her in 2011 - perhaps if a third was to come into the picture (in a few years) then I will invest in one of those lovely bag.
My favourite (at the moment) is this beautiful owl picture including your family name and your children's.

I'd recommend going over to the Beebies Baby Store and having a look at all the products and items Ami has - truly worth it.

*Disclaimer: This was not a sponsored post. This review was purely to let you know about a new website.

Thinking about a third.

I'm not gonna deny it, I want another baby. That is it, yet the thought of going through another pregnancy and labour terrifies the living daylights out of me.

When I was pregnant with Kels their was no hiccups, it was pretty much a text book pregnancy yet the labour was long, painful (obviously) and ended up in a forceps delivery with episioptomy - not nice.  Yet I still decided to go ahead and have another baby, with a small part of me hoping that this time the labour will be the one I dream of. Although after my first scan I discovered that these antibodies were present in my blood which basically means that when carrying a baby my body will fight the baby like a virus which put me at risk throughout my pregnancy. My labour then was a traumatic time and I'm slowly getting over it yet I'm still considering having a third baby.

Everywhere around me their is someone pregnant or a baby has just been born and I'm their "congratulating" them yet deep down I want that to be me. Its the broodiness coming out and also the thought that I know my family is not complete. Before I give the go ahead to have a third - as Mr L would jump at the chance to have another baby, his already picked out the name if it's a girl, I went through the experience and will have to again - I need to get some questions answered.

Like what if what happened with my last labour happened again what would they do? Could I have a water birth? Is their a way to keep my anti C levels down and how? Just so many unanswered questions running through my mind before its a go ahead.

Have you had such a traumatic birth and still went on to have another if so what was it like? They say your third is your hardest and most difficult labour but seriously if I was to have a baby and the labour was a difficult one again someone must really hate me up there.

All I'm saying is watch this space...

My two babies.

Missing out

Now I'm a full time working mum I miss all sorts. I worry all the time about if the children are OK in which I know they are as they have their dad with them. Sometimes I might miss the odd milestone they make or a certain development they reach but most of all if they become ill or have an injury.

Just today I was in work, half an hour left of my shift (depends if I get out on time) and my manager walks in the room telling me my husband is on the phone - always a worry. He told me that Kai had fell and his nose was badly bleeding to the point where he can't stop it. I calmly told him to apply a cold compress to see if that stops it and I be home in a little while.

Shock. I just froze. I know I should have asked to be let out and go home to check on my baby but the shock that this had happened and I'm not their took over and I continued the rest of my shift. I knew deep down he would be alright and the bleeding will stop. It didn't make sense to leave work a few minutes left when actually everything was OK.

When I got home it was like nothing had happened. My baby boy was his normal happy self and Mr L seemed all calm. I now question if what I did was the right option. Either way all is good.

Too cute.